Memory of a broken past

I can't help watching this mv over and over again. The lead actor face remind me of someone who is so dear to me. He looked exactly like 'him'. I couldn't help to be shocked and in tears the 1st time I watched this mv. And till now, it still bring tears to me. 'He' thought me how to fall in love. Although I lost 'him' forever and I have no chance to ever see him again, I still have memories of 'him' that I hold on till now. It's been 7 years and I still remember how 'he' looked like. :(

I mentioned in my post "Grief" before of 'him'.

A journal of misery

I feel that I need to be heard. It's quite depressing for me to use this as a way out to voice out my sadness. I find it hard to look for someone who I can comfortably talk to who will just be there to lend me his or her ears at least. I myself consider this as a way of talking to myself. I talked to depression, loneliness, sadness and worries almost every day. They are following me and trying to remind me how pathetic I am although some may thought I'm way ahead by doing phd.

Where is my friend, happiness? I've tried to reflect my life. Everyone said nothing is perfect in this world. But what if I say I'm a perfectionist? Should I accept a small crack on a vase that I'm about to buy? I think this character of mine that bring me to meet and get close to depression, loneliness, sadness and worries. It's like a mental challenge I have. I'm trying to voice out my thoughts and feelings but no one seems to listen, and try to understand me. They always think I myself have problems. What I need is just someone there to listen to me, and perhaps lend me his or her shoulder for support.

Nobody knows what is gonna happen tomorrow. Only gods know. As chinese said, our life is written before we are born in our life and death book. It records how our life is gonna be since we are born until we are dead. And it all depend on karma. Whatever we did in our last life, we need to pay back or receive in this life.

Some may say why should we be sad as we don't know what is gonna happen tomorrow? Why can't we just be happy? I clearly believe that sadness only creeps out when we are affected by situation and people around us. It's not something we bring upon ourselves. I'm in desperate need of holidays. I wanna see the world with my own eyes and have my point of views. I wish I can just go around the world and see how people actually live their life of what the gods have in store for them.

I'm in a relationship that I keep holding on by believing that there may be another chance of surviving it. But I'm in fear of disappointment and I'm scare to be left behind on the time I'm in need. I need reassurance that it will never ever happen anymore but there is nothing he can promise. I wonder whether he reads my blog or not. Its so hard to talk to people who just not listening and instead, the whole conversation is mostly bout him. And when u tell him bout this, all he can say is OK u talk now and I'll listen. Which in the end, I could not bring myself talking to him. I keep everything in my heart and now, when I think about it I feel so emo and depressed.
Is it because he doesnt care? Or he doesn't understand me? Why is it so hard just to lend me his ears?

Thoughts

I'm at my aunt place in KL for the past few days.. Been going out and about in Pavilion, Sunway Pyramid, Kota Damansara and The curve. I think I've put on weight. I eat more meals a day. My mum is coming over this fri before we head to Singapore. Will be a fun week :)

I miss home so badly. I miss my dad. :) I remembered him being the best dad in the world. He never fail to put other needs 1st before anyone else. He's the type of person who think" yan yan wai go, go wai yan yan" in canto. :) After I watch the hk series a chip off the block, the character Sunny reminds me of him. I remember my dad used to buy me lots of good food. If I say I wan tomato fried mee, he will buy and wait for me after tuition. He will also carry my back and drive me to school everyday. I think I'm very lucky to have him as a dad. Though he may not be very successful in his career but he did more than other dad can do for their kids.

I think self reflect is a good way to remember what our parent and family sacrifice for us so we can try our best to be less selfish and stop thinking bout ourselves. I think if we treat other people nice, people will remember and treat us with respect. I freaked out thinking that I'm actually adult and my parents are going to be senior citizen soon and my brothers are in their 30's. I miss times when I was still a kid, constantly complain bout my school work. Time pass really fast.

I realize this blog is more of a diary of mine rather than blogs written famously by celebrity bloggers who constantly post pics of them out and about and advertorials. Maybe that explains why less people viewed my blog daily. :)

For my elephant

A new start is always frightening,
But at least this time I truly believe its LOVE,
I rather try to act to be happy than a painful break up
You and I had promise eternity and work on it

My frequent interest and request may give you pressures
U might be annoyed of long calls I don't want to hang up
U might call the expanding love of mine as obsession
As time goes by I'm getting smaller

Since u are a man, u wouldn't understand.
Since I'm lacking, since I'm foolish, I'm only looking at u
Since u are a man, u don't understand me
U probably just want to be free, u probably won't be able to change

When you are not next to me my heart feel empty even if u call
Why is that your words " I LOVE U" don't sound the same as before
The long waits are getting harder and harder
I felt as if I have nothing to give anymore
I think of giving up hundreds of times

I feel uneasy and can't sleep until u fall asleep
I go crazy when I can't contact you
I'm not a woman who expects many things
But I collapse from one of your action and your inattentive words
But since you're my man I still love you

Grief

Grief is the one thing that we need to deal with when someone around us or whom we know just left this world like that. No one knows what is gonna happen next. Life is like a candle, some lights up till then end and some are off half way through.

I lost someone I loved very dearly in a car accident before. I was at the lowest point of my life at that time. Nobody knew what I went through and how I felt. I was at grief for almost a year and I'd withdraw myself from friends. My friends could not understand how it feels so that makes them think I'm EMO or weird at that point of life. They walked away from me after some time. But some do stays.

The amount of pain that I felt in my heart was so great that I thought of ending my life. But I could not bear to leave my family esp my mum who loves me so much. I took one year to heal my pain and changed my thoughts. I think it's very bad and selfish of me to just end my life that way when some other who wishes to live on does not even get that 2nd chance.

But my past had made me stronger for sure. I looked at things differently. I will never give up on love if the person is worth all the space in my heart. I know the joy of having a complete family who love me dearly although my dad has stroke. Therefore, I tried my best to enjoy every moments with them. Life is not bout the length but it's the things that we did with our loved ones that we can hold close to our heart. It's how we live and see each day of our life. We shall be grateful to heavenly GOD and our parents who give us chance to see this world and live each day. There maybe time of ups and downs but we should be glad cause sometimes we feel the pain and that makes us more human.

We grief for our lost but I'm sure after sometime, we shall heal and stand up and walk again. All we can do is just remember all those great times we had with them until eternity.

Better in time..

We'd talked and I figured out that it's unfair to judge him bout the 1 time tat he had let me down. Talked to Ju and she told me one thing which is quite reasonable " Think of how much he has come since both of you are together" and the images of him used to a playful PSP and dota addict, and one who care less bout studies, became more driven bout his studies and project when we were in degree. And now, he woke up everday at 6.30 am to help his dad for business including Sunday.

Maybe I just need to get past this pain of mine. Even I go through pain, I still have something to thank for in life. I've become more human and I never be more thankful for what my family has done for me. Been there for me. And my friends of course. They were there. Those who were I know. I know I may not heal now but time will heal me. Now I just need to give him one more chance and I think it's not that hard to ask for if he's there realizing his mistake he made.

Today...

I woke up super late today.. ard 12 noon. and my back aches till now.. Now I'm kinda freak out when I c this bed. I miss my kch bed. Guess I will be staying late to do some reading..

I went to tesco to buy food today and I end up buying a total amount of RM100 worth of food. Stocked up my chips, got 2 flavours of lays, twisties, double decker prawn chips. Brought fresh raw salmon slice too. Cheap rm24.90 per kg compare to the one i usually buy rm59.90 per kg. Lots of vege and grapes. Hmm, I guess it could last me for a month with all the food I have in my room. I think I need a food diary to keep me on track not to shop and finish those in my rooms.

Talked to my sis in law. She said my bro wanna bring me to MR. Ho when I'm back. My 2nd bro sayang me so much. I feel so lucky to have him as my bro. Sometime, I wish my age gap with him is smaller cause with the 8 years different age gap, sometimes it's hard to find a topic to talk to him. But I do love him dearly, he's not only my bro but he can be my dad. I used to be rebellious when I was a teenager cause my dad was sick and I was curious bout the outside world. I ever skip my tuition classes but I was caught by him and got scolded. very badly. I think if without him, I won't be who I am now. Doing my Phd. That's why I appreciate my family more than anything. And of course him. :) For me friends walk in and out from our lives but family stay with us forever.

Love em..

I'm sure everyone know who is Super Junior are. I used to think they are just a bunch of korean guys dancing n singing trying to win girls heart. I watched the korean super junior with all the members.. not really good looking le.. why girls like them?

But then, I came across their little sub group here. Super JUnior M.. 1st Impression... HOt.. 2nd time So Hot.. 3rd time... SUper Hot.. and so on.. haha..

SUper Junior M consists of 7 members and all of them are so good looking.. :) Makes me think guys in suits attract me most. haha. :) and they are around my age. There is one super talented @henry, who plays violin while dancing.. youtube him haha.. but the other one Siwon, looks very gentleman and cool, the best looking in my opinion. haha

Below are 2 clips from them.. What do you think?

Weekend..

It's Sunday. So yeah, tmr I need to go to my civil eng lab again from 9.30am to 5.30pm, 5 days a week. I love lab. Especially the part mixing the cement, sand , ops and water. I love the part when everything I did looks right although I'm not sure what result will I get at the end of the day.

But one thing bout the civil eng lab is it's hot, as in oven hot unless it's raining. Unlike those EE and ME labs, we do not have airconds. Lol..We only have the industrial fans. But again, I should just feel glad with what I have. The uni gave me a 100% scholarship for my Phd and I'm given allowance every month as a job as a Research Assistant. Nothing I should be complain of though.

I've spoke to Vincent bout our Phd. He's the ME guy, who's also taking Phd. I guess Phd is never easy when everything is on our own. It's just like we have this weight on our shoulder.

I miss exams, where lecturers will give us notes on what to study and not. The interesting part of it is looking for extra info. I miss those days where I prepare myself for the finals. Those nerve of what is coming out and what's not keep me guessing and pushed myself harder to learn. And finally, the moment the exam begins, when I fliped open the papers, it seems like everything just blurted out from my brain and my hand is making wonders on the papers. aha... I guess I miss the time when the results are out. :)

Nothing is easy. But I guess exams is like a battlefield. Know your enemy well and you are destined to win. If you and your enemy is even, your battle will be also even. If you do not know the enemy well, I guess you are bound to lose. Smth remarkable I've learned from SunTzu, who have written the art of war. I do wish myself knowing Chinese lol.. The beautiful thing of Chinese language is most of the wisdom books are written in that language. It's not easy to even find the closest meaning to translate in eng. Everyone interprets differently.

Anyway, for those who is taking exams. All the best. :)

not enough??

I've mixed feeling about everything. From everything surrounds my life. I know it I'm very lucky to have everything that some other people dying to wish for to come true. yeah, I''m feeling really lucky to have such a loving family, a loving bf who gives ways to me and etc..

Now, all that left for me to do is to appreciate every moment I have with them. :)

family....

I've been quite busy lately regarding my family matters and my own personal matters. It seems like everyone from my batch has started earning their own bucks whilst I'm still here being my parent's baby at home. :) I have other great plans for my future besides working.

However, no matter how much I have in my life, I'd learned to be humble and appreciate it. I'm so thankful for having such a loving family. Someone I can talk to and share my grumbles and happiness.

I'd learned that in life, we should be glad and thankful for whatever we have and we should treasure the relationships that we have with our parents, siblings, spouse and children as we only born once in life having that person as our parents, siblings, spouse and children. If we were to reborn again, it may not be the same person anymore who share that kind of relationship with us.

Sometimes, although we may argue with each other, but we can never break off the strong connection of us with them no matter what. They'll stay forever as your loved ones. Remember that. Therefore, we should try to forget and forgive as God can see what's true and believe in karma. Whatever happens may happened for a reason, but we'll still have the power to control over how we want it to be in the end. :)

Dream...

After few months being away from everything, it's time for me to wake up and decide what I really want in life. I wanna continue my studies for sure. But where? I realize all good things eventually will come to an end, but will memories keep us from falling apart? It's not easy to live up to others expectation and it's not easy to change others character and attitude. As the saying goes " Leopard will never change their spots"

Maybe it's time for me to stop hurting myself and you. I don't know cause all I realize is every time u say sorry, u never actually mean it. U never try to feel the way I feel. Maybe we are just dragging on cause we are so afraid to hurt each other. As for now, only time will tells.

Nyway, yeah.. I'm sad but I'll heal as time pass by.

Fullfillment

I'm having endless holidays after my exam in May. And up till now, I'm still applying for my postgraduate admission. I've tons of free time, which I used it to catch up with some old movies that I missed during my time in high school. Do you believe or not, I've never went to movies with my friends during my high school time. My free time apart from school were always fill with endless ballet classes, school band activities and tuitions.

Thinking back, I have always think I was pretty hardworking and determined to push myself to attend every single tuition classes, band activities and ballet classes during my time in high school. I had ballet classes up to 5 times a week and tuition classes for few subjects. Wondergirl huh?

I've always realized how hard my mum work and paid for my tuition fees and buying all the reference books for me. My dad was a businessman before he actually fall ill when I was 14. So, since then, my mum is the only person in my family to provide us food and necessities. Then, my brothers took over my dad's business and I must say I admire them for doing it well and not to give my parents anymore worries.

Fighting through my times in Diploma and uni was once an unforgotten experience for me. I can say I always think Studying is not only subjected for myself but for the honor of my family. And as I walked up to receive my prize and degree, I must say I'd finally fullfill one of the dreams that I had always dreamt of achieving. The feeling of fullfillment fills my heart and soul. :)

I love this notes..
There are 5 basic notes in music, 5 basic hues in colour, and five basic taste in food. Yet, with those combination of notes, hues and taste, they can create more varieties than one can ever hear, see or taste.

Photoshop

Me without any make up on

One thing I'd never try with my pictures is to have them to be photoshop in anyway. I find it rather amaze by girls or ladies out there who love photoshop. Maybe I just feel confident by the way I look. :) haha.

I rather my pics to be taken naturally with the make up that I have but I'm not against girls out there who love photoshopping.

He actually told me that I looked way better without make up on. :) I'll only make up on special occasion. Most of the time I'll be going out without any make up but only with sunblock.

Anyway, I'm really admire ladies who invest most of their time to look better but please, don't overdo it with a very red lipstick and red blusher. It'll make you way older.