:(

Guess what? My singapore trip was canceled last minute. My mum has some work to do. :(

Then. I brought a flight back home the next day. So, I'm back in Kuching now. I love KCH. everywhere is so near.

I love my room and family. I love my bed.

Love and miss him, my elephant. :(

Thoughts

I'm at my aunt place in KL for the past few days.. Been going out and about in Pavilion, Sunway Pyramid, Kota Damansara and The curve. I think I've put on weight. I eat more meals a day. My mum is coming over this fri before we head to Singapore. Will be a fun week :)

I miss home so badly. I miss my dad. :) I remembered him being the best dad in the world. He never fail to put other needs 1st before anyone else. He's the type of person who think" yan yan wai go, go wai yan yan" in canto. :) After I watch the hk series a chip off the block, the character Sunny reminds me of him. I remember my dad used to buy me lots of good food. If I say I wan tomato fried mee, he will buy and wait for me after tuition. He will also carry my back and drive me to school everyday. I think I'm very lucky to have him as a dad. Though he may not be very successful in his career but he did more than other dad can do for their kids.

I think self reflect is a good way to remember what our parent and family sacrifice for us so we can try our best to be less selfish and stop thinking bout ourselves. I think if we treat other people nice, people will remember and treat us with respect. I freaked out thinking that I'm actually adult and my parents are going to be senior citizen soon and my brothers are in their 30's. I miss times when I was still a kid, constantly complain bout my school work. Time pass really fast.

I realize this blog is more of a diary of mine rather than blogs written famously by celebrity bloggers who constantly post pics of them out and about and advertorials. Maybe that explains why less people viewed my blog daily. :)

For my elephant

A new start is always frightening,
But at least this time I truly believe its LOVE,
I rather try to act to be happy than a painful break up
You and I had promise eternity and work on it

My frequent interest and request may give you pressures
U might be annoyed of long calls I don't want to hang up
U might call the expanding love of mine as obsession
As time goes by I'm getting smaller

Since u are a man, u wouldn't understand.
Since I'm lacking, since I'm foolish, I'm only looking at u
Since u are a man, u don't understand me
U probably just want to be free, u probably won't be able to change

When you are not next to me my heart feel empty even if u call
Why is that your words " I LOVE U" don't sound the same as before
The long waits are getting harder and harder
I felt as if I have nothing to give anymore
I think of giving up hundreds of times

I feel uneasy and can't sleep until u fall asleep
I go crazy when I can't contact you
I'm not a woman who expects many things
But I collapse from one of your action and your inattentive words
But since you're my man I still love you

NIce Korean Song

One of the song I think it's very meaningful. I brought one of the book Men from Mars and Women from Venus.. Read the first few chapters and it's really true.. I asked him bout it bout the theories shared by the author and he told me that is what is exactly in his mind.

ONE of the theories to be shared from the book for us to understand our better half:

Problem Solving

Men - As a men, they will try to solve the problem they have by themselves. They will not
mention bout the problem to anyone else unless they think that the person they talked to
can help them in finding solutions. They tend to hide themselves in their own world until
they solve the problem and come out again. AND WOMEN actually misunderstand them
cause women tend to try so hard to talk to them cause they thought talking bout it could
make them feel a lot better. But men does not talk bout their problems, so women tend to
thought their men does not trust them to talk bout what's bothering them. ACTUALLY
MEN JUST NEED TO HIDE IN THEIR OWN CAVE UNTIL THEY SOLVE THEIR
PROBLEMS. Women should just leave them alone. :)

Women - We like to talk about our problems over and over again to whom we may think care
about us. WE JUST NEED SOMEONE TO COMPLAIN TO. In end, after talking,
we'll eventually feel so much better and the problem is no longer a problem for us.
And men thought whatever problem we told them, we are asking for solutions bout
actually we are not. They tend to try to put on the MR FIX IT hat and suggest us the
solutions and we get more frustrated after that. ACTUALLY WE JUST NEED THEM
TO LISTEN.

Listen to the song i posted and you'll understand how hard women try to fit into their man's cave but they don't realize that it'll only make the matter worse if they try to help their man to solve the problem. MEN as being egoist themselves have their own pride when comes to problem solving, if a women tried to suggest how to solve it, they will feel as if they are useless. :)

Plans

Weekend is here again. :) It's another 2 weeks before I meet my mum and fly to singapore for retail therapy and then back to kl and finally be back to Kch for a week. But I'll be back in KL on 1st Sept. August will be a pretty busy month for me.

My experimental works will commence next week. Will be very buy for next half of the year. I have around 200 beams to be cast and test. I'm so excited.

I miss Kch so bad. I wish to meet my little nephew, Gerard. He's naughty but he is so adorable. :) NOt forgetting Albert and the rest of my little cousins. Albert is now 7 years old. I've been an auntie for 7 years now.. and I''ll only turn 23 this Dec. :)

Grief

Grief is the one thing that we need to deal with when someone around us or whom we know just left this world like that. No one knows what is gonna happen next. Life is like a candle, some lights up till then end and some are off half way through.

I lost someone I loved very dearly in a car accident before. I was at the lowest point of my life at that time. Nobody knew what I went through and how I felt. I was at grief for almost a year and I'd withdraw myself from friends. My friends could not understand how it feels so that makes them think I'm EMO or weird at that point of life. They walked away from me after some time. But some do stays.

The amount of pain that I felt in my heart was so great that I thought of ending my life. But I could not bear to leave my family esp my mum who loves me so much. I took one year to heal my pain and changed my thoughts. I think it's very bad and selfish of me to just end my life that way when some other who wishes to live on does not even get that 2nd chance.

But my past had made me stronger for sure. I looked at things differently. I will never give up on love if the person is worth all the space in my heart. I know the joy of having a complete family who love me dearly although my dad has stroke. Therefore, I tried my best to enjoy every moments with them. Life is not bout the length but it's the things that we did with our loved ones that we can hold close to our heart. It's how we live and see each day of our life. We shall be grateful to heavenly GOD and our parents who give us chance to see this world and live each day. There maybe time of ups and downs but we should be glad cause sometimes we feel the pain and that makes us more human.

We grief for our lost but I'm sure after sometime, we shall heal and stand up and walk again. All we can do is just remember all those great times we had with them until eternity.

Better in time..

We'd talked and I figured out that it's unfair to judge him bout the 1 time tat he had let me down. Talked to Ju and she told me one thing which is quite reasonable " Think of how much he has come since both of you are together" and the images of him used to a playful PSP and dota addict, and one who care less bout studies, became more driven bout his studies and project when we were in degree. And now, he woke up everday at 6.30 am to help his dad for business including Sunday.

Maybe I just need to get past this pain of mine. Even I go through pain, I still have something to thank for in life. I've become more human and I never be more thankful for what my family has done for me. Been there for me. And my friends of course. They were there. Those who were I know. I know I may not heal now but time will heal me. Now I just need to give him one more chance and I think it's not that hard to ask for if he's there realizing his mistake he made.

Love....

I realize love only exists within family. Not beyond anything out of that. Or maybe my prince charming has yet to show up with his white horse.

Why there is no guy in this world who is worth my love? Who will love me wholeheartedly. I'm tired of fairytale cause I realize I'm not that lucky to be the princess.

I just realized how unhappy I am with him. Maybe all good things need to come to an end sometime. And I feel that it's better we keep those good memories of ours to ourselves before any nightmare begin. I feel that it's very hard to compromise to someone who doesn't understand what is true love. The part that he was never there for me when I need him the most and in end he try to defend, and said what can he do even if he is there. This verse play repeatedly in my head. Maybe no one understand bout the pain i went through. For that very 1st time, the pain in my chest is greater than the pain I had from the 10cm long stitches I had on my knee. And every time I looked at my knee scar, it reminds me of how deep he had hurt me. Sorry, but I can't go against myself to forgive him. I had tried but I failed. And I was all alone trying. All he did was asking for my forgiveness and asking me to wait for him. But I guess I can't wait anymore.


I'm sorry but this is the most I can do. :(

NIce song...

Say you're sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now

And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late to catch me now

Today...

I woke up super late today.. ard 12 noon. and my back aches till now.. Now I'm kinda freak out when I c this bed. I miss my kch bed. Guess I will be staying late to do some reading..

I went to tesco to buy food today and I end up buying a total amount of RM100 worth of food. Stocked up my chips, got 2 flavours of lays, twisties, double decker prawn chips. Brought fresh raw salmon slice too. Cheap rm24.90 per kg compare to the one i usually buy rm59.90 per kg. Lots of vege and grapes. Hmm, I guess it could last me for a month with all the food I have in my room. I think I need a food diary to keep me on track not to shop and finish those in my rooms.

Talked to my sis in law. She said my bro wanna bring me to MR. Ho when I'm back. My 2nd bro sayang me so much. I feel so lucky to have him as my bro. Sometime, I wish my age gap with him is smaller cause with the 8 years different age gap, sometimes it's hard to find a topic to talk to him. But I do love him dearly, he's not only my bro but he can be my dad. I used to be rebellious when I was a teenager cause my dad was sick and I was curious bout the outside world. I ever skip my tuition classes but I was caught by him and got scolded. very badly. I think if without him, I won't be who I am now. Doing my Phd. That's why I appreciate my family more than anything. And of course him. :) For me friends walk in and out from our lives but family stay with us forever.

Cherry Blossom

I love this picture so much.. I wish I ever come across the real cherry blossom trees. :)

I've been doing nothing the whole day except some sewing and cooking. YES I cook.. :) Indeed I enjoy cooking.. I love cooking for my loved ones, and see them happily eating my food. Well, I do believe the fact that it's important to know how to cook to keep your man. haha.. Chinese proverb.

I'm also a very homey person. I prefer staying at home than going out. which explains really well why I have few number of friends.

I think I'm not really a career woman type of girl.. I rather choose to be a housewife than being a high level manager. haha.. I dislike something that tie me down and give me so much stress.. Well, life is so unpredictable so why wanna waste our time on stress and headache n heartache. Right?

I feel that I've been thinking bout life, and love and studies. I know it's very important for me to concentrate on my studies now. 2 years and 4 months. Time is just a figure. Whatever have to be done are very important. I can't find a way to stop thinking bout other stuff when I study.
Anyone has any idea how to?

I think I have a very low self esteem. I'm not so confident with the things I'm doing. Like those who think why used to say that I'm not so sure bout my finals but when the results are out, I score with 1st class. And even being the top in class I don't think I'm any rank higher than others. I just did my best to score and when I score, I'm very happy but I feel it's hard to tell others how well I did for my papers.

Tired and bored..

I'm not feeling well these days. Sore throat. Maybe I always stayed up late these days and sleep till late at noon. I feel so lazy. I know I should be motivating myself to do better but I couldn't help. I need more entertainment I guess. I stayed home for 3 whole weeks and it's kinda driving me crazy. I need retail therapy for my sg trip next month. :)

I guess here is a nice place for me to voice out my boredom.. sien ah... i miss food. i miss pasar malam.. i miss kch... i miss him and my family. I feel like I'm living a senior citizen life these days. NO movies, no dinners, no gathering, no drinking and no clubbing. It's been a year since I last clubbing. :( I need power bozz with nice plp to chill with.

L.O.V.E

Love.. Hmm... I'm sure everyone has different definition of LOVE.


I love the way he makes me feel. His love touches my heart over and over again. I've never know how to love someone until I met him. Every time I complained to him bout everything, he was there trying to make me feel better. Sometimes, when I'm all stressed out. He was there to be my punching bag. :)

I miss him a lot. Moreover, we are in a long distance relationship now. Being apart for more than 6 months and what I've been through made everything harder. Though he was never there for me when I need him the most, the only reason I think he still have more to prove that he's the one for me, but he's been trying hard to put up with all my nagging and blaming.I think there are no other men who will be able to put up with me. I've treated our love like a sport. Challenging but it's fun right?

Day by day pass by. I feel that counting days will make it feel longer, hence I never do that. I miss valentine's day with him. I miss cny with him. I miss catching n waiting for the train with him. I miss going dinner and shopping with him. I miss the stuff that we do together.

updates

It's been a year since I graduated from my degree. I should have been an engineer at a consultant firm by now And what have I done? Instead, I chooses to further my studies and I got into PhD. It's been 8 months now, which means I have 4 months to go for my 1st year report submission. I'm on the blank side of my literature reviews. Is there anyway I can understand those engineering words better technically?

I'm planning to expand my knowledge more. READ MORE, JEN. haha.. I need a lot of reading to write my reports. ANd I realize that I forgot most of my basics. haha.. I think I left my brain at home in KCH. Will ask my mum bring it over when she comes over in sept. haha Here I go again, stress n write crap. :)

I wish I have summer holidays cause I misses KCH so badly. I miss my bed at home. The one my parents brought for me. The bed I'm sleeping on here now makes my back sore and I have to put a comforter as a bed sheet. I miss my room with my big wardrobe. I miss my makeup table. :(

I miss ROjak, Tomato fried noodle,my mum's ka cha mar and curry, laksa. haih.. I miss the yutiao also. sigh..

I miss nice food.. I miss food. I'm really sick of my own home cook food. haha.. Yes, I have been cooking everyday. But I love my fried kailan with garlic la. :) Very healthy but yet I still got sore throat. :( Been drinking honey but it doesn't work. I wonder why. :(

Anyway a nice quote I wanna share here " Everything we do in life is insignificant, but it's very important that we do it. " from Ghandhi. :)

For Him

I shouldn't have walked away
I would've stayed if you said
We could've made everything OK
But we just
Threw the blame back and forth
We treated love like a sport
The final blow hit so low
I'm still on the ground

I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall
Shattered in pieces curled on the floor
Super natural love conquers all
'Member we used to touch the sky
And

Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

I thought we'd be forever and always
You were serenity
You took away the bad days
Didn't always treat you right
But it was OK
I do somethin' stupid
And you still stay with me

But you can only go for so long
Doing the one you claim to love wrong
Before too much is enough
You look up
Find your love gone
And

We were so good together
How come we could not weather
This storm and just do better
Why did we say goodbye

'Cause lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift
http://www.elyricsworld.com/angel_cry_lyrics_mariah_carey_ft_ne-yo.html
In a storm
Now every night
I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you

Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you

Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
But we let it slip
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

over stressed

I'm on a deadline to submit my beam design and I came across errors over what I have worked on.. I'm so angry at myself that I made such a stupid mistake. But errors are always errors, I need to correct everything and start all over the design again. :(

Now, I feel that I'm mentally stressed out.. Pity my calculator and him for being my punch bag.

Love em..

I'm sure everyone know who is Super Junior are. I used to think they are just a bunch of korean guys dancing n singing trying to win girls heart. I watched the korean super junior with all the members.. not really good looking le.. why girls like them?

But then, I came across their little sub group here. Super JUnior M.. 1st Impression... HOt.. 2nd time So Hot.. 3rd time... SUper Hot.. and so on.. haha..

SUper Junior M consists of 7 members and all of them are so good looking.. :) Makes me think guys in suits attract me most. haha. :) and they are around my age. There is one super talented @henry, who plays violin while dancing.. youtube him haha.. but the other one Siwon, looks very gentleman and cool, the best looking in my opinion. haha

Below are 2 clips from them.. What do you think?

Football Frenzy

Every 4 years, for 31 days.. The world come together in front of our TV. I'm sure every 4 years we'll see changes in our TV. I remember when I was a kid, I guess when around 5 or 6, I remember my grandpa used to watch WC matches on a bulky 14 inch blur TV, cheering upon Brazil. Now, as time pass, I'm sure he will be pretty impress by the technology as we have LCD TV and now, we have this LCD 3d TV coming up, but sadly, he is no longer here to witness this. But then, I'm sure he's in heaven watching it live from the stadium. :)

As all of us know, footballs are one of every guys fave. :) It's in their DNA.

As a girl myself, I realize it's kinda stupid to watch guys going around fighting to chase the ball and end up injured.

Maybe the fact that football reminds me so much bout my grandpa, make me trying to avoid it. It reminds me of him every time I watch those green fields. But then, I realize I could not avoid watching it as the fact that he left us could not be changed. It makes me aware that the loved ones around us will not be there with us forever. Life is like a candle. Some lights all the way till finish but some of them, the lights would be blown of by wind half way.

Therefore, I feel Its important for us to be true to others and stop manipulating others to get what we wants. I'm sure family will be the closest people to us compare to friends. My family and bf thought me how to love someone. I know they are very patient with me as I maybe a princess sometimes. :)

My surgery realized it's not easy at all to make your leg to be that fit and sometimes, you need a super good reaction between your leg and brain to transmit the infos to kick or not to kick. I'm pretty impress by the players in WC. I'm sure they worked super hard for WC, even until the very last moment they fight trying to win.

After underwent the knee surgery, my leg reaction is not fully back in the original form yet, as in I can barely lifting up my leg straight. The doc told me it's expected to be this way as my inner cartilage is badly injured and required more time to heal.

Woke up...

I wanna share this with you. A very nice song by park bom.. Just describe exactly how I feel for him. :) You and I together just feel so right.. :)



Time kinda past so fast... I'm freaking out... I have 4 months to go before my deadline.. If feel just like yesterday I just entered into Phd.. And, I'm rushing to do my lab work and submission report. I have no idea yet what should I write for it. lolx.. But all I know I should start writing something.

I need to keep myself busy.. Finally, I feel a slap on my cheek that I should wake up from my relaxing mode. haha...

Sunday...

Like any other sunday... :( Time to charge my energy with endless nap. :) Life as a phd student is indeed mentally challenging.. I'm coping up with my basics that I have long forgotten.. Watched toy story 3 yesterday.. Love it but the babydoll creeps me out.. remind me of the horror flick bout chucky.. haha..

I wish that I can save more money.. I have some stuff I wish to buy.. :( But my monthly allowance is a bit tight.. I have a new car to pay, rental n food. :(

Speaking bout my new car, yup.. Love it white.. The new vios desirable.. with the number I feel satisfy with the num in chinese, simply means continuous wealth forever. :)


Btw, i took this studio pic last week in a kimono.. :) With a hair tied up and make up, I think I looked different. :)