Better in time..

We'd talked and I figured out that it's unfair to judge him bout the 1 time tat he had let me down. Talked to Ju and she told me one thing which is quite reasonable " Think of how much he has come since both of you are together" and the images of him used to a playful PSP and dota addict, and one who care less bout studies, became more driven bout his studies and project when we were in degree. And now, he woke up everday at 6.30 am to help his dad for business including Sunday.

Maybe I just need to get past this pain of mine. Even I go through pain, I still have something to thank for in life. I've become more human and I never be more thankful for what my family has done for me. Been there for me. And my friends of course. They were there. Those who were I know. I know I may not heal now but time will heal me. Now I just need to give him one more chance and I think it's not that hard to ask for if he's there realizing his mistake he made.

Love....

I realize love only exists within family. Not beyond anything out of that. Or maybe my prince charming has yet to show up with his white horse.

Why there is no guy in this world who is worth my love? Who will love me wholeheartedly. I'm tired of fairytale cause I realize I'm not that lucky to be the princess.

I just realized how unhappy I am with him. Maybe all good things need to come to an end sometime. And I feel that it's better we keep those good memories of ours to ourselves before any nightmare begin. I feel that it's very hard to compromise to someone who doesn't understand what is true love. The part that he was never there for me when I need him the most and in end he try to defend, and said what can he do even if he is there. This verse play repeatedly in my head. Maybe no one understand bout the pain i went through. For that very 1st time, the pain in my chest is greater than the pain I had from the 10cm long stitches I had on my knee. And every time I looked at my knee scar, it reminds me of how deep he had hurt me. Sorry, but I can't go against myself to forgive him. I had tried but I failed. And I was all alone trying. All he did was asking for my forgiveness and asking me to wait for him. But I guess I can't wait anymore.


I'm sorry but this is the most I can do. :(

NIce song...

Say you're sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now

And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late to catch me now

Today...

I woke up super late today.. ard 12 noon. and my back aches till now.. Now I'm kinda freak out when I c this bed. I miss my kch bed. Guess I will be staying late to do some reading..

I went to tesco to buy food today and I end up buying a total amount of RM100 worth of food. Stocked up my chips, got 2 flavours of lays, twisties, double decker prawn chips. Brought fresh raw salmon slice too. Cheap rm24.90 per kg compare to the one i usually buy rm59.90 per kg. Lots of vege and grapes. Hmm, I guess it could last me for a month with all the food I have in my room. I think I need a food diary to keep me on track not to shop and finish those in my rooms.

Talked to my sis in law. She said my bro wanna bring me to MR. Ho when I'm back. My 2nd bro sayang me so much. I feel so lucky to have him as my bro. Sometime, I wish my age gap with him is smaller cause with the 8 years different age gap, sometimes it's hard to find a topic to talk to him. But I do love him dearly, he's not only my bro but he can be my dad. I used to be rebellious when I was a teenager cause my dad was sick and I was curious bout the outside world. I ever skip my tuition classes but I was caught by him and got scolded. very badly. I think if without him, I won't be who I am now. Doing my Phd. That's why I appreciate my family more than anything. And of course him. :) For me friends walk in and out from our lives but family stay with us forever.

Cherry Blossom

I love this picture so much.. I wish I ever come across the real cherry blossom trees. :)

I've been doing nothing the whole day except some sewing and cooking. YES I cook.. :) Indeed I enjoy cooking.. I love cooking for my loved ones, and see them happily eating my food. Well, I do believe the fact that it's important to know how to cook to keep your man. haha.. Chinese proverb.

I'm also a very homey person. I prefer staying at home than going out. which explains really well why I have few number of friends.

I think I'm not really a career woman type of girl.. I rather choose to be a housewife than being a high level manager. haha.. I dislike something that tie me down and give me so much stress.. Well, life is so unpredictable so why wanna waste our time on stress and headache n heartache. Right?

I feel that I've been thinking bout life, and love and studies. I know it's very important for me to concentrate on my studies now. 2 years and 4 months. Time is just a figure. Whatever have to be done are very important. I can't find a way to stop thinking bout other stuff when I study.
Anyone has any idea how to?

I think I have a very low self esteem. I'm not so confident with the things I'm doing. Like those who think why used to say that I'm not so sure bout my finals but when the results are out, I score with 1st class. And even being the top in class I don't think I'm any rank higher than others. I just did my best to score and when I score, I'm very happy but I feel it's hard to tell others how well I did for my papers.

Tired and bored..

I'm not feeling well these days. Sore throat. Maybe I always stayed up late these days and sleep till late at noon. I feel so lazy. I know I should be motivating myself to do better but I couldn't help. I need more entertainment I guess. I stayed home for 3 whole weeks and it's kinda driving me crazy. I need retail therapy for my sg trip next month. :)

I guess here is a nice place for me to voice out my boredom.. sien ah... i miss food. i miss pasar malam.. i miss kch... i miss him and my family. I feel like I'm living a senior citizen life these days. NO movies, no dinners, no gathering, no drinking and no clubbing. It's been a year since I last clubbing. :( I need power bozz with nice plp to chill with.

L.O.V.E

Love.. Hmm... I'm sure everyone has different definition of LOVE.


I love the way he makes me feel. His love touches my heart over and over again. I've never know how to love someone until I met him. Every time I complained to him bout everything, he was there trying to make me feel better. Sometimes, when I'm all stressed out. He was there to be my punching bag. :)

I miss him a lot. Moreover, we are in a long distance relationship now. Being apart for more than 6 months and what I've been through made everything harder. Though he was never there for me when I need him the most, the only reason I think he still have more to prove that he's the one for me, but he's been trying hard to put up with all my nagging and blaming.I think there are no other men who will be able to put up with me. I've treated our love like a sport. Challenging but it's fun right?

Day by day pass by. I feel that counting days will make it feel longer, hence I never do that. I miss valentine's day with him. I miss cny with him. I miss catching n waiting for the train with him. I miss going dinner and shopping with him. I miss the stuff that we do together.

updates

It's been a year since I graduated from my degree. I should have been an engineer at a consultant firm by now And what have I done? Instead, I chooses to further my studies and I got into PhD. It's been 8 months now, which means I have 4 months to go for my 1st year report submission. I'm on the blank side of my literature reviews. Is there anyway I can understand those engineering words better technically?

I'm planning to expand my knowledge more. READ MORE, JEN. haha.. I need a lot of reading to write my reports. ANd I realize that I forgot most of my basics. haha.. I think I left my brain at home in KCH. Will ask my mum bring it over when she comes over in sept. haha Here I go again, stress n write crap. :)

I wish I have summer holidays cause I misses KCH so badly. I miss my bed at home. The one my parents brought for me. The bed I'm sleeping on here now makes my back sore and I have to put a comforter as a bed sheet. I miss my room with my big wardrobe. I miss my makeup table. :(

I miss ROjak, Tomato fried noodle,my mum's ka cha mar and curry, laksa. haih.. I miss the yutiao also. sigh..

I miss nice food.. I miss food. I'm really sick of my own home cook food. haha.. Yes, I have been cooking everyday. But I love my fried kailan with garlic la. :) Very healthy but yet I still got sore throat. :( Been drinking honey but it doesn't work. I wonder why. :(

Anyway a nice quote I wanna share here " Everything we do in life is insignificant, but it's very important that we do it. " from Ghandhi. :)

For Him

I shouldn't have walked away
I would've stayed if you said
We could've made everything OK
But we just
Threw the blame back and forth
We treated love like a sport
The final blow hit so low
I'm still on the ground

I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall
Shattered in pieces curled on the floor
Super natural love conquers all
'Member we used to touch the sky
And

Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

I thought we'd be forever and always
You were serenity
You took away the bad days
Didn't always treat you right
But it was OK
I do somethin' stupid
And you still stay with me

But you can only go for so long
Doing the one you claim to love wrong
Before too much is enough
You look up
Find your love gone
And

We were so good together
How come we could not weather
This storm and just do better
Why did we say goodbye

'Cause lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift
http://www.elyricsworld.com/angel_cry_lyrics_mariah_carey_ft_ne-yo.html
In a storm
Now every night
I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you

Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you

Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
But we let it slip
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

over stressed

I'm on a deadline to submit my beam design and I came across errors over what I have worked on.. I'm so angry at myself that I made such a stupid mistake. But errors are always errors, I need to correct everything and start all over the design again. :(

Now, I feel that I'm mentally stressed out.. Pity my calculator and him for being my punch bag.

Love em..

I'm sure everyone know who is Super Junior are. I used to think they are just a bunch of korean guys dancing n singing trying to win girls heart. I watched the korean super junior with all the members.. not really good looking le.. why girls like them?

But then, I came across their little sub group here. Super JUnior M.. 1st Impression... HOt.. 2nd time So Hot.. 3rd time... SUper Hot.. and so on.. haha..

SUper Junior M consists of 7 members and all of them are so good looking.. :) Makes me think guys in suits attract me most. haha. :) and they are around my age. There is one super talented @henry, who plays violin while dancing.. youtube him haha.. but the other one Siwon, looks very gentleman and cool, the best looking in my opinion. haha

Below are 2 clips from them.. What do you think?

Football Frenzy

Every 4 years, for 31 days.. The world come together in front of our TV. I'm sure every 4 years we'll see changes in our TV. I remember when I was a kid, I guess when around 5 or 6, I remember my grandpa used to watch WC matches on a bulky 14 inch blur TV, cheering upon Brazil. Now, as time pass, I'm sure he will be pretty impress by the technology as we have LCD TV and now, we have this LCD 3d TV coming up, but sadly, he is no longer here to witness this. But then, I'm sure he's in heaven watching it live from the stadium. :)

As all of us know, footballs are one of every guys fave. :) It's in their DNA.

As a girl myself, I realize it's kinda stupid to watch guys going around fighting to chase the ball and end up injured.

Maybe the fact that football reminds me so much bout my grandpa, make me trying to avoid it. It reminds me of him every time I watch those green fields. But then, I realize I could not avoid watching it as the fact that he left us could not be changed. It makes me aware that the loved ones around us will not be there with us forever. Life is like a candle. Some lights all the way till finish but some of them, the lights would be blown of by wind half way.

Therefore, I feel Its important for us to be true to others and stop manipulating others to get what we wants. I'm sure family will be the closest people to us compare to friends. My family and bf thought me how to love someone. I know they are very patient with me as I maybe a princess sometimes. :)

My surgery realized it's not easy at all to make your leg to be that fit and sometimes, you need a super good reaction between your leg and brain to transmit the infos to kick or not to kick. I'm pretty impress by the players in WC. I'm sure they worked super hard for WC, even until the very last moment they fight trying to win.

After underwent the knee surgery, my leg reaction is not fully back in the original form yet, as in I can barely lifting up my leg straight. The doc told me it's expected to be this way as my inner cartilage is badly injured and required more time to heal.

Woke up...

I wanna share this with you. A very nice song by park bom.. Just describe exactly how I feel for him. :) You and I together just feel so right.. :)



Time kinda past so fast... I'm freaking out... I have 4 months to go before my deadline.. If feel just like yesterday I just entered into Phd.. And, I'm rushing to do my lab work and submission report. I have no idea yet what should I write for it. lolx.. But all I know I should start writing something.

I need to keep myself busy.. Finally, I feel a slap on my cheek that I should wake up from my relaxing mode. haha...

Sunday...

Like any other sunday... :( Time to charge my energy with endless nap. :) Life as a phd student is indeed mentally challenging.. I'm coping up with my basics that I have long forgotten.. Watched toy story 3 yesterday.. Love it but the babydoll creeps me out.. remind me of the horror flick bout chucky.. haha..

I wish that I can save more money.. I have some stuff I wish to buy.. :( But my monthly allowance is a bit tight.. I have a new car to pay, rental n food. :(

Speaking bout my new car, yup.. Love it white.. The new vios desirable.. with the number I feel satisfy with the num in chinese, simply means continuous wealth forever. :)


Btw, i took this studio pic last week in a kimono.. :) With a hair tied up and make up, I think I looked different. :)

Excited...

Guess what?? :) My family will be coming to KL in 2 weeks time. :) My 2 bro, and their wife, 2 nephew, my mum. uncle, auntie and their 3 kids. I'm so excited. :) They said they wanna try Jogoya's food. I heard from my KL friend bout oversea and tai thong restaurant, which is said the food is superb. I guess RM800 ++ per table is worth it. But I'm not sure if we have enough time for it as they plan to go Genting and Sunway.

I miss my nephews so much. My family celebrated his birthday yesterday and I missed it. :(

I feel like going home where everything are stress free but I can't. I have a lot of lab works to do. It's 5 months more to go before my 1st year report submission. I don't think my progress is on par yet. I need more time but I wanna grad faster.

I have so many holiday plans but everything needs $$$. :(

nyway, gtg now. need to get ready for uni.

Weekend..

It's Sunday. So yeah, tmr I need to go to my civil eng lab again from 9.30am to 5.30pm, 5 days a week. I love lab. Especially the part mixing the cement, sand , ops and water. I love the part when everything I did looks right although I'm not sure what result will I get at the end of the day.

But one thing bout the civil eng lab is it's hot, as in oven hot unless it's raining. Unlike those EE and ME labs, we do not have airconds. Lol..We only have the industrial fans. But again, I should just feel glad with what I have. The uni gave me a 100% scholarship for my Phd and I'm given allowance every month as a job as a Research Assistant. Nothing I should be complain of though.

I've spoke to Vincent bout our Phd. He's the ME guy, who's also taking Phd. I guess Phd is never easy when everything is on our own. It's just like we have this weight on our shoulder.

I miss exams, where lecturers will give us notes on what to study and not. The interesting part of it is looking for extra info. I miss those days where I prepare myself for the finals. Those nerve of what is coming out and what's not keep me guessing and pushed myself harder to learn. And finally, the moment the exam begins, when I fliped open the papers, it seems like everything just blurted out from my brain and my hand is making wonders on the papers. aha... I guess I miss the time when the results are out. :)

Nothing is easy. But I guess exams is like a battlefield. Know your enemy well and you are destined to win. If you and your enemy is even, your battle will be also even. If you do not know the enemy well, I guess you are bound to lose. Smth remarkable I've learned from SunTzu, who have written the art of war. I do wish myself knowing Chinese lol.. The beautiful thing of Chinese language is most of the wisdom books are written in that language. It's not easy to even find the closest meaning to translate in eng. Everyone interprets differently.

Anyway, for those who is taking exams. All the best. :)

A picture of life..

After 3 months from my knee surgery, I had gone through roller coaster and learn to realize that I only live for myself. My family was always there for me. If without them, i do not know how i could deal with it.

As harsh as reality can be, Life is indeed fragile. Some innocent people seems to have ended their life not because they wanted it to. It's because of some other irresponsible people who drive recklessly(drink n drive) and the hurt people and try to get away with it. Therefore, NEVER EVER DRINK AND DRIVE.

nyway, I'm back in uni for work. Time seems to pass so fast that I'm freaking out that I have only 2 and half year time to complete my phd and I've not started with any thing. I'm starting to feel the stress of research. It's a lot worse than studying for final exams. For degree, we are given notes for final exams and the thing I'm doing now has no exact answer of whether I'm in the right path or not. I wishes that I still have the heart to go on with whatever I'm doing now. :(

Just got to get myself be more hardworking and drag myself to civil lab everyday from today onwards. :(

2010.. sigh...

guess wat? My beginning of 2010 was a rough one.. I dislocated my knee and underwent an operation. Ouch right? It was very painful okie? esp te stitching part. I'm now undergoing physio. Hopefully I can heal before cny. 2 weeks to go.. sigh.. n my leg still weak. lolx...

I dont wanna stay at home for cny. sien.. I wanna be out and about... doing things i like and adore..

Why do my knee fail me lol...

Christmass

I'm back home.. :) I'm thinking of uploading my pics but not now, kinda lazy and i'm trying to lsoe some weight here. haha but since i'm in kch, i guess it'll be hard. My family esp my mum has been trying to feed me with lots of nice food. tempting :P

Nyway, be having a new year eve dinner with some of my friends. :P I've decided to make it one go.. :)

When I'm back here in kch, I'm so lazy to go everywhere.. haha.. Is it normal to feel this way?? lolx... I'm kinda tired to get dress up haha...

Miss home...

Arghh... I'm so stress... and I miss home.. I miss my bed though my bed here is quite comfy. I miss my family esp my mum n my nephews.

Everyone seems to be going back for Christmas... Well, so I am. I can't wait to go back for 3 days again. A short holidays before my 3 weeks long holidays for Chinese New Year. Christmas is less than 2 weeks more, which clearly indicate that Chinese New Year is also around the corner.

I just can't wait for Chinese New Year... :P I love the cookies that my mum made plus everyone seems to be very happy. I can't wait to have cny eve dinner but this time around, he'll not be able to join us. lolx.. he's going to miss out the good food that my mum n sis in laws cooked. haha.. :P means I can have everything to myself. haha.. jk.. I'm not that greedy.

Actually stress has starting to crawl into me now. I'm not sure why I always get headache. Crap.. Maybe I got nightmare last night about an evil puppet chasing me.. lolx... maybe cause I forgot to put my talisman beside me when I sleep.

Anyway, I miss Chillies food. My birthday is around the corner and this time, he won't be able to spend it with me lol.. So, I've decided to do some shopping for myself n for my parent. I'll have a retail therapy.. :)

I love typing my heart out. haha.. expressing myself emotionally. :P cause it seems like I let it go when there's no one else there to listen to my grumble. They have their own headache n problems so I'm not going to weight them more with mine. Right??

Phd, which is famously stand for Permanent Head Damage has slowly start to show it's meaning. haha.. JK... lol...

Maybe my life without a laptop is boring that's why I have so much time to think n think n think of stupid n foolish things. I just can't live without it. I can do lots of things with it. Chatting n watching series n movies with pps stream. lolx... now this make me miss it more.

anyway, I'll stop crapping and signing off now.

xoxo,
jen