GIving up

I no longer trust myself anymore. I'm giving up. I don't even see faith in believing things will work out like the way they should. It's not only people who turn their back on me. I'm turning my back on myself. My life is finally screwed. Guess no one will understand how I feel.

This is the hardest path I've chosen and I can't get through this. I know life is never easy but I never guess it will be this tough.

Anyway, I'll try to put on a smiley face and pretend everything will be fine. But as saying goes, one can never cheat her heart.

Pirates :)

Just watched pirates with CAthy at Jusco Cheras Selatan. :) love it. It never fail to impress me with fantasy. Black pearl in the bottle :) How cute....

I miss Keira Knightley from the last 3 installment. I think she's very pretty.

Oh ya, I've been thinking about the lists of important things in my life right now. Here it goes:

1. Getting my Phd thesis done on time.
2. Building a healthier lifestyle with the food I consume.
3. Making my family members happy. Impress them.
4. Start on journals and conference papers as soon as possible.

Last thing that I should put in my mind is relationship. I rather not to think bout it as much as I can. Thinking make me feel bad bout the choice that I made to stay in it. argh, I hope I'll not regret being in it as time goes on. Being committed is not what I'm seeking for right now. I don't wish have commitment like engagement or whatsoever. It's like tying me up and I don't like it. I think I love the type of freedom I have right now. As much as I wish to see him, meeting him once a year doesn't feel so bad after all. I love the time I have for myself as time goes by, I learn to love myself more.:) I learn that no one else will love me more than myself and my family, so it's only right for me to love myself a lot. I know who's very good to me so I'll learn to love them back more. I guess women should not rely on guys to much as their heart may change one day. Learn to love yourself more and you'll be happier than relying on the man you love to love you more than he love himself. I guess most guys are selfish as they would love themselves more than the woman they have in their life. Remember, no one can love you more than the love you can give to yourself. :)

Weekend

It's been 3 weeks since I am back from Kch. I miss my dear nephew, Gerard. Isn't he a cutie?

I'm feeling so bored. I know I have lots of things to do but I always feel extremely bored on weekend. Most of the time, I'll be spending my time by watching movies and dramas.

Besides that, I'm trying to eat more healthily and drink at least 2 litres of water everyday. Hopefully, it can become a habit of mine soon. I can feel the difference in me before and after I drink water, Gotta make myself like a vampire craving for blood. But instead of blood, I should crave for water.

Oh ya, got a nice pink can and patrick from Mcd. :) And I've just cleaned the aquarium for my baby flower horn.

It's almost dinner time and I don't know what to eat. Perhaps I should cook curry chicken rice for my dinner. :)

Oh ya, I'm recently watching the hk drama, Moonlight resonance. Nice drama. Love it. A quote from the drama " A mother biggest fear is not to see their kids make mistakes, but to see them quarrel with each other. "

Better in time..

We'd talked and I figured out that it's unfair to judge him bout the 1 time tat he had let me down. Talked to Ju and she told me one thing which is quite reasonable " Think of how much he has come since both of you are together" and the images of him used to a playful PSP and dota addict, and one who care less bout studies, became more driven bout his studies and project when we were in degree. And now, he woke up everday at 6.30 am to help his dad for business including Sunday.

Maybe I just need to get past this pain of mine. Even I go through pain, I still have something to thank for in life. I've become more human and I never be more thankful for what my family has done for me. Been there for me. And my friends of course. They were there. Those who were I know. I know I may not heal now but time will heal me. Now I just need to give him one more chance and I think it's not that hard to ask for if he's there realizing his mistake he made.

Tired and bored..

I'm not feeling well these days. Sore throat. Maybe I always stayed up late these days and sleep till late at noon. I feel so lazy. I know I should be motivating myself to do better but I couldn't help. I need more entertainment I guess. I stayed home for 3 whole weeks and it's kinda driving me crazy. I need retail therapy for my sg trip next month. :)

I guess here is a nice place for me to voice out my boredom.. sien ah... i miss food. i miss pasar malam.. i miss kch... i miss him and my family. I feel like I'm living a senior citizen life these days. NO movies, no dinners, no gathering, no drinking and no clubbing. It's been a year since I last clubbing. :( I need power bozz with nice plp to chill with.

Woke up...

I wanna share this with you. A very nice song by park bom.. Just describe exactly how I feel for him. :) You and I together just feel so right.. :)



Time kinda past so fast... I'm freaking out... I have 4 months to go before my deadline.. If feel just like yesterday I just entered into Phd.. And, I'm rushing to do my lab work and submission report. I have no idea yet what should I write for it. lolx.. But all I know I should start writing something.

I need to keep myself busy.. Finally, I feel a slap on my cheek that I should wake up from my relaxing mode. haha...

Sunday...

Like any other sunday... :( Time to charge my energy with endless nap. :) Life as a phd student is indeed mentally challenging.. I'm coping up with my basics that I have long forgotten.. Watched toy story 3 yesterday.. Love it but the babydoll creeps me out.. remind me of the horror flick bout chucky.. haha..

I wish that I can save more money.. I have some stuff I wish to buy.. :( But my monthly allowance is a bit tight.. I have a new car to pay, rental n food. :(

Speaking bout my new car, yup.. Love it white.. The new vios desirable.. with the number I feel satisfy with the num in chinese, simply means continuous wealth forever. :)


Btw, i took this studio pic last week in a kimono.. :) With a hair tied up and make up, I think I looked different. :)

Weekend..

It's Sunday. So yeah, tmr I need to go to my civil eng lab again from 9.30am to 5.30pm, 5 days a week. I love lab. Especially the part mixing the cement, sand , ops and water. I love the part when everything I did looks right although I'm not sure what result will I get at the end of the day.

But one thing bout the civil eng lab is it's hot, as in oven hot unless it's raining. Unlike those EE and ME labs, we do not have airconds. Lol..We only have the industrial fans. But again, I should just feel glad with what I have. The uni gave me a 100% scholarship for my Phd and I'm given allowance every month as a job as a Research Assistant. Nothing I should be complain of though.

I've spoke to Vincent bout our Phd. He's the ME guy, who's also taking Phd. I guess Phd is never easy when everything is on our own. It's just like we have this weight on our shoulder.

I miss exams, where lecturers will give us notes on what to study and not. The interesting part of it is looking for extra info. I miss those days where I prepare myself for the finals. Those nerve of what is coming out and what's not keep me guessing and pushed myself harder to learn. And finally, the moment the exam begins, when I fliped open the papers, it seems like everything just blurted out from my brain and my hand is making wonders on the papers. aha... I guess I miss the time when the results are out. :)

Nothing is easy. But I guess exams is like a battlefield. Know your enemy well and you are destined to win. If you and your enemy is even, your battle will be also even. If you do not know the enemy well, I guess you are bound to lose. Smth remarkable I've learned from SunTzu, who have written the art of war. I do wish myself knowing Chinese lol.. The beautiful thing of Chinese language is most of the wisdom books are written in that language. It's not easy to even find the closest meaning to translate in eng. Everyone interprets differently.

Anyway, for those who is taking exams. All the best. :)

A picture of life..

After 3 months from my knee surgery, I had gone through roller coaster and learn to realize that I only live for myself. My family was always there for me. If without them, i do not know how i could deal with it.

As harsh as reality can be, Life is indeed fragile. Some innocent people seems to have ended their life not because they wanted it to. It's because of some other irresponsible people who drive recklessly(drink n drive) and the hurt people and try to get away with it. Therefore, NEVER EVER DRINK AND DRIVE.

nyway, I'm back in uni for work. Time seems to pass so fast that I'm freaking out that I have only 2 and half year time to complete my phd and I've not started with any thing. I'm starting to feel the stress of research. It's a lot worse than studying for final exams. For degree, we are given notes for final exams and the thing I'm doing now has no exact answer of whether I'm in the right path or not. I wishes that I still have the heart to go on with whatever I'm doing now. :(

Just got to get myself be more hardworking and drag myself to civil lab everyday from today onwards. :(

2010.. sigh...

guess wat? My beginning of 2010 was a rough one.. I dislocated my knee and underwent an operation. Ouch right? It was very painful okie? esp te stitching part. I'm now undergoing physio. Hopefully I can heal before cny. 2 weeks to go.. sigh.. n my leg still weak. lolx...

I dont wanna stay at home for cny. sien.. I wanna be out and about... doing things i like and adore..

Why do my knee fail me lol...

Back in Nottingham..

I'm back in nottingham. Satisfied with my accommodation which is like 2 mins walk to uni. I paid for rm300 only and its fully furnished. Super cheap if were to compare to uni accommodation, which is rm600.

I've spent the first week in KL with my mum. Super happy bout it. We've bought barnie dolls and water bottle for my baby nephew and my mum said that he is so happy that he carry it around. haha


I've met him last thursday, which was his graduation. Now, he's back in his hometown.

And, I'm going to start my work on monday. sob sob. that mark the end of my holiday and the beginning of my study + working life. nyway, signning off now...


xoxo, jen

Whatever it'll be...

I have 2 weeks left in kch. Part of me misses what I have here while the other half make me feel so excited about the upcoming journey of my life.

I felt up and down a lot these days. I'm yet to understand how couple actually decided to get married. I know mine won't happened in at least 3 to 5 years. But being in a long distance relationship actually makes it harder especially the idd rate is super expensive calling from one country to another. Although technology are so advance these day with the existence of MSN and Skype, however, at times it needs the willingness of the 2 person to spend some time to communicate.

I'd realize how importance I am to him. As a rabbit myself, I'm trying to learn the fact of he's of the zodiac of rabbit too and this explains why family always come 1st to him. I actually don't hope so much from him anymore. I think if we are meant to be together, we'll be.

Btw, I'd found nice quote to comfort myself..

" Happiness is like a butterfly. The more u chase it, the more it will elude u. But if u turn ur attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on ur shoulder. "

not enough??

I've mixed feeling about everything. From everything surrounds my life. I know it I'm very lucky to have everything that some other people dying to wish for to come true. yeah, I''m feeling really lucky to have such a loving family, a loving bf who gives ways to me and etc..

Now, all that left for me to do is to appreciate every moment I have with them. :)

Blessed...

I'm so happy that I've finally got what I've always wanted. Another chance to study. Believe it or not? Haha.. I just got my unconditional offer letter from Nottingham about my Phd application. Yippie!~ I was accepted and offered a post as a research assistant while doing my Phd. :)

I felt that I'm truly blessed with everything I have despite at times I was feeling low and lost in my life especially during the time where everything seems to be just a dream.

However, I've yet to get my accommodation but I'd sent in my application form 2 days ago.

I've booked my flights to KL dy with such a cheap fare, RM115 one way via mas. :) I'm super duper happy and I'm feeling good bout everything right now.

Hanging on the edge..

DO you ever feel like you are hanging on the edge? All that left in this world is people looking at u weirdly. I hate people who make my mood bad. I hate it. Don't try to mess with me.

I hate people who don't answer their calls when they said they will wait for u.
I hate people who said he will wait but he just don't.
I hate people who say he cares but he never seems to be around.
I hate it when he tried to give tons of excuse just to get off of what he did to me.
I hate it when he said that he cares but he just seems to forget about me.

I feel that whats left in this world is for me just to run away from everything.

To be reveal

i'm now still waiting for something to be finalized :) Keeping my finger cross. I'm gonna be away for 3 years if it happened. :) hopefully.. :)

family....

I've been quite busy lately regarding my family matters and my own personal matters. It seems like everyone from my batch has started earning their own bucks whilst I'm still here being my parent's baby at home. :) I have other great plans for my future besides working.

However, no matter how much I have in my life, I'd learned to be humble and appreciate it. I'm so thankful for having such a loving family. Someone I can talk to and share my grumbles and happiness.

I'd learned that in life, we should be glad and thankful for whatever we have and we should treasure the relationships that we have with our parents, siblings, spouse and children as we only born once in life having that person as our parents, siblings, spouse and children. If we were to reborn again, it may not be the same person anymore who share that kind of relationship with us.

Sometimes, although we may argue with each other, but we can never break off the strong connection of us with them no matter what. They'll stay forever as your loved ones. Remember that. Therefore, we should try to forget and forgive as God can see what's true and believe in karma. Whatever happens may happened for a reason, but we'll still have the power to control over how we want it to be in the end. :)

Day out...

I've been busy lately doing stuff that I love the most from thinking too much bout the fact that I'll only meet him in a year time.

Things that I'd done include:

• Movie night with my bro n sis in law at the latest cinema in town, MBO at Spring. It's like 70 percent the one in KL, GSC. For KCH standard, it was way better than the existing one.
• Next off, lunches and dinners with my mum. We've been spending quality time together. :) My mum is like my best friend. She always try to understand me. :) Nyway, she's been teasing him on the phone bout my nephew crying in the airport cause of him. :) haha..
• Saloon time with my sis in law at the JENT'ZEN at the Spring. It's RM36 for wash and cut. :) Quite reasonable if were to compare to those other saloons in town.
• Brandon's bday treat at Richmond by my aunt moi. :)
• Play time with my baby nephew, Gerard and Albert.

But I still can't deny I miss Mr. Elephant a lot.. :(..

:)

My throat hurts whenever I try to swallow my saliva or eat smth. Nyway, been busy packing my stuff to head back to kch. Although my flight is on wed, I do the packing beforehand just in case I don't have time for it. I'm gonna miss my time here. :) all those bitter sweet memories. but life is about moving forward right??

Fullfillment

I'm having endless holidays after my exam in May. And up till now, I'm still applying for my postgraduate admission. I've tons of free time, which I used it to catch up with some old movies that I missed during my time in high school. Do you believe or not, I've never went to movies with my friends during my high school time. My free time apart from school were always fill with endless ballet classes, school band activities and tuitions.

Thinking back, I have always think I was pretty hardworking and determined to push myself to attend every single tuition classes, band activities and ballet classes during my time in high school. I had ballet classes up to 5 times a week and tuition classes for few subjects. Wondergirl huh?

I've always realized how hard my mum work and paid for my tuition fees and buying all the reference books for me. My dad was a businessman before he actually fall ill when I was 14. So, since then, my mum is the only person in my family to provide us food and necessities. Then, my brothers took over my dad's business and I must say I admire them for doing it well and not to give my parents anymore worries.

Fighting through my times in Diploma and uni was once an unforgotten experience for me. I can say I always think Studying is not only subjected for myself but for the honor of my family. And as I walked up to receive my prize and degree, I must say I'd finally fullfill one of the dreams that I had always dreamt of achieving. The feeling of fullfillment fills my heart and soul. :)

I love this notes..
There are 5 basic notes in music, 5 basic hues in colour, and five basic taste in food. Yet, with those combination of notes, hues and taste, they can create more varieties than one can ever hear, see or taste.