GIving up

I no longer trust myself anymore. I'm giving up. I don't even see faith in believing things will work out like the way they should. It's not only people who turn their back on me. I'm turning my back on myself. My life is finally screwed. Guess no one will understand how I feel.

This is the hardest path I've chosen and I can't get through this. I know life is never easy but I never guess it will be this tough.

Anyway, I'll try to put on a smiley face and pretend everything will be fine. But as saying goes, one can never cheat her heart.

♥♥♥ My Love ♥♥♥

♥♥♥ My Love ♥♥♥

I’m calling his phone up
Just to tell him how much
I really love him ‘cause
He is everything I ever want
He listens to me, he cares for me
So I truly believe

It this isn’t love, tell me what it is
Cause I could be dreaming or just plain crazy
I never felt like this

L-O-V-E, what is in me
L-O-V-E, oh if this isn’t love
L-O-V-E, what is in me

I’m selfish cause I don’t
Wanna share him with anyone
Not even those
who came before me

I know I ain’t crazy
I know I ain’t tripping
I know I ain’t slipping
I know this is love
You see me with my hands up
If you think I’m dreaming
I know I ain’t dreaming
Cause this is the reason I love him

A journal of misery

I feel that I need to be heard. It's quite depressing for me to use this as a way out to voice out my sadness. I find it hard to look for someone who I can comfortably talk to who will just be there to lend me his or her ears at least. I myself consider this as a way of talking to myself. I talked to depression, loneliness, sadness and worries almost every day. They are following me and trying to remind me how pathetic I am although some may thought I'm way ahead by doing phd.

Where is my friend, happiness? I've tried to reflect my life. Everyone said nothing is perfect in this world. But what if I say I'm a perfectionist? Should I accept a small crack on a vase that I'm about to buy? I think this character of mine that bring me to meet and get close to depression, loneliness, sadness and worries. It's like a mental challenge I have. I'm trying to voice out my thoughts and feelings but no one seems to listen, and try to understand me. They always think I myself have problems. What I need is just someone there to listen to me, and perhaps lend me his or her shoulder for support.

Nobody knows what is gonna happen tomorrow. Only gods know. As chinese said, our life is written before we are born in our life and death book. It records how our life is gonna be since we are born until we are dead. And it all depend on karma. Whatever we did in our last life, we need to pay back or receive in this life.

Some may say why should we be sad as we don't know what is gonna happen tomorrow? Why can't we just be happy? I clearly believe that sadness only creeps out when we are affected by situation and people around us. It's not something we bring upon ourselves. I'm in desperate need of holidays. I wanna see the world with my own eyes and have my point of views. I wish I can just go around the world and see how people actually live their life of what the gods have in store for them.

I'm in a relationship that I keep holding on by believing that there may be another chance of surviving it. But I'm in fear of disappointment and I'm scare to be left behind on the time I'm in need. I need reassurance that it will never ever happen anymore but there is nothing he can promise. I wonder whether he reads my blog or not. Its so hard to talk to people who just not listening and instead, the whole conversation is mostly bout him. And when u tell him bout this, all he can say is OK u talk now and I'll listen. Which in the end, I could not bring myself talking to him. I keep everything in my heart and now, when I think about it I feel so emo and depressed.
Is it because he doesnt care? Or he doesn't understand me? Why is it so hard just to lend me his ears?

For the ladies

When u start, u believe this one will be your last,love.

Ladies that give everything,listen carefully.

Making u wait is a man,the one who is waiting is a woman.

The one who making u want to cry is a man, the one who cries is a woman.

How many time u want to get tricked,how many times u want to get hurt.How many time do u need to be in pain to stop.

The words "I love u", try not to believe i n it. There is no love, it's nowhere. Dropped thousand of tears, and it doesn't seem that he cares.

For my elephant

A new start is always frightening,
But at least this time I truly believe its LOVE,
I rather try to act to be happy than a painful break up
You and I had promise eternity and work on it

My frequent interest and request may give you pressures
U might be annoyed of long calls I don't want to hang up
U might call the expanding love of mine as obsession
As time goes by I'm getting smaller

Since u are a man, u wouldn't understand.
Since I'm lacking, since I'm foolish, I'm only looking at u
Since u are a man, u don't understand me
U probably just want to be free, u probably won't be able to change

When you are not next to me my heart feel empty even if u call
Why is that your words " I LOVE U" don't sound the same as before
The long waits are getting harder and harder
I felt as if I have nothing to give anymore
I think of giving up hundreds of times

I feel uneasy and can't sleep until u fall asleep
I go crazy when I can't contact you
I'm not a woman who expects many things
But I collapse from one of your action and your inattentive words
But since you're my man I still love you

Better in time..

We'd talked and I figured out that it's unfair to judge him bout the 1 time tat he had let me down. Talked to Ju and she told me one thing which is quite reasonable " Think of how much he has come since both of you are together" and the images of him used to a playful PSP and dota addict, and one who care less bout studies, became more driven bout his studies and project when we were in degree. And now, he woke up everday at 6.30 am to help his dad for business including Sunday.

Maybe I just need to get past this pain of mine. Even I go through pain, I still have something to thank for in life. I've become more human and I never be more thankful for what my family has done for me. Been there for me. And my friends of course. They were there. Those who were I know. I know I may not heal now but time will heal me. Now I just need to give him one more chance and I think it's not that hard to ask for if he's there realizing his mistake he made.

NIce song...

Say you're sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now

And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late to catch me now

L.O.V.E

Love.. Hmm... I'm sure everyone has different definition of LOVE.


I love the way he makes me feel. His love touches my heart over and over again. I've never know how to love someone until I met him. Every time I complained to him bout everything, he was there trying to make me feel better. Sometimes, when I'm all stressed out. He was there to be my punching bag. :)

I miss him a lot. Moreover, we are in a long distance relationship now. Being apart for more than 6 months and what I've been through made everything harder. Though he was never there for me when I need him the most, the only reason I think he still have more to prove that he's the one for me, but he's been trying hard to put up with all my nagging and blaming.I think there are no other men who will be able to put up with me. I've treated our love like a sport. Challenging but it's fun right?

Day by day pass by. I feel that counting days will make it feel longer, hence I never do that. I miss valentine's day with him. I miss cny with him. I miss catching n waiting for the train with him. I miss going dinner and shopping with him. I miss the stuff that we do together.

Woke up...

I wanna share this with you. A very nice song by park bom.. Just describe exactly how I feel for him. :) You and I together just feel so right.. :)



Time kinda past so fast... I'm freaking out... I have 4 months to go before my deadline.. If feel just like yesterday I just entered into Phd.. And, I'm rushing to do my lab work and submission report. I have no idea yet what should I write for it. lolx.. But all I know I should start writing something.

I need to keep myself busy.. Finally, I feel a slap on my cheek that I should wake up from my relaxing mode. haha...

hmm..

I can't find the appropriate words to describe this post. Nyway, just wanna drop by n let him know I miss him so much. He means a lot to me. He's my one and only elephant. hehe..

I confess that sometimes I'm like a roller coaster. There's ups and downs bout my feeling. Emo freak argh.. I'm so used to call him names that he hates. but still he forgive me n treat me better. I feel so bad bout it at times but I'm used to be so manja to him.. hehe

I do miss the time we had together. Really. I can't wait to meet him again in nov. :)

Love him lots,
jen.....

2 is better than 1

I remember what you wore on the day I fall in love with u,
I finally took the courage to take the first step,
You came into my life and I thought,
"Hey, you know, this could be something that I'm actually seeking for",
I was lost until I met you,
Cause everything you do and words you say,
You know that it all takes my breath away,
And now I'm left with nothing,
When you are far away,
It makes me restless to be without you,
I remember every look upon your face,
The way you roll your eyes,
The way you taste,
You make it hard for me to breath,
Cause when I close my eyes and drift away,
I think of you and I know everything's okay,
I'm finally now believing,
Maybe it's true,
That I can't live without you,
Maybe two is better than one,
There's so much time,
To figure out the rest of my life,
But I'll figure it out,
When it's all said and done,
But now i know,
Two is better than one
With Me and You...

Whatever it'll be...

I have 2 weeks left in kch. Part of me misses what I have here while the other half make me feel so excited about the upcoming journey of my life.

I felt up and down a lot these days. I'm yet to understand how couple actually decided to get married. I know mine won't happened in at least 3 to 5 years. But being in a long distance relationship actually makes it harder especially the idd rate is super expensive calling from one country to another. Although technology are so advance these day with the existence of MSN and Skype, however, at times it needs the willingness of the 2 person to spend some time to communicate.

I'd realize how importance I am to him. As a rabbit myself, I'm trying to learn the fact of he's of the zodiac of rabbit too and this explains why family always come 1st to him. I actually don't hope so much from him anymore. I think if we are meant to be together, we'll be.

Btw, I'd found nice quote to comfort myself..

" Happiness is like a butterfly. The more u chase it, the more it will elude u. But if u turn ur attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on ur shoulder. "

To my dearest...

Happy Birthday, My Elephant..

Hope u have a nice one on the plane. :)

It's been almost a week since we are apart. I'm trying to get use to it and I'm doing just fine although I had a nightmare bout u leaving me for good.. lolx...

I really hope I could be by your side when you blow the candles for this birthday but sadly, I couldn't. But I hope that we could someday till we meet again.

love ya lots,
lovelyjen

1st day apart.-

I miss his presence.
His constant nagging and teasing.
His love and care for me.
I miss everything about him.
He was the only person who made me in tears.
& the only person who made me smile.
The only person I miss whenever we're apart.
I know I must get use to it.
But I'm thankful enough to have know him.
So close and well.
Though we're apart, he'll always be close to me in my heart.
I love u, my elephant...
Till we meet again.

xoxo,
jen

The sadest day in my life

Dear Mr. Elephant,

I'm so sad...
It'll be another 365 +/- till we'll meet again.
Words just can't describe the feelings that we have and the memories that we share.
I'll always keep you close in my heart..
I'll keep my promise to u for things that u told me.

Love always,
jen

Dream...

After few months being away from everything, it's time for me to wake up and decide what I really want in life. I wanna continue my studies for sure. But where? I realize all good things eventually will come to an end, but will memories keep us from falling apart? It's not easy to live up to others expectation and it's not easy to change others character and attitude. As the saying goes " Leopard will never change their spots"

Maybe it's time for me to stop hurting myself and you. I don't know cause all I realize is every time u say sorry, u never actually mean it. U never try to feel the way I feel. Maybe we are just dragging on cause we are so afraid to hurt each other. As for now, only time will tells.

Nyway, yeah.. I'm sad but I'll heal as time pass by.

esp for u :)

Chinese Cousine..

Up above is stir fried kailan with salted fish, which I love to cooked. All I used is just oil (preferably less cholesterol oil, garlic, kailan, a bit of salt and salted fish). :)


As for above is the ginseng black chicken, which is good for health. It's easy to cook as it may seem.
All you need is just half black chicken, dried red dates, "ka ci", a bit of salt and most importantly, ginseng roots. :)

Realize..

Breathe you out
Breathe you in
You keep coming back to tell me
you're the one who could have been
and my eyes see it all so clear
It was long ago and far away but it never disappears
I try to put it in the past
Hold on to myself and don't look back


I don't wanna dream about
All the things that never were
Maybe I can live without

I don't wanna feel the pain
What good would it do me now
I'll get it all figured out
When I'm out from under


And part of me still believes
When you ay you're gonna stick around
And part of me still believes
We can find a way to work it out
If you just couldn't trust me
and see me as a part of your life..

Just let me go
Just let me fly away
Let me feel the space between us growing deeper
And much darker every day
I'll be someone new
My heart will be unbroken
But it will open up for everyone but you

Home Sweet Home..

I'm back in kch.. :) It is really nice to see my family again. My baby nephew is so cute. :) THat's why I've plan to spend my whole day tmr to be with him.. :)

Kuching seems to progress in a pretty fast pace especially in term of developmet, restaurant and clubs. But the cinema here is still lousy if were to compare to the one in west MAlaysia, GSC... :)


Nyway, he's came back with me for 3 days and he's back in KL dy. :) We've meet up with our ex college friends. It's really nice to see that some of my friends have gf dy. Really glad. :)